Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
