i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
