You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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