I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
