Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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