Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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