I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
two words...techno handjob
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
