So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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