You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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