the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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