my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
