Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
