Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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