I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
