I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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