Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
