Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
