sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
