My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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