I hate your face
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
