dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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