Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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