quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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