Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
