Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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