I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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