May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
