last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
