I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
