i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
As shirtless as possible
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
