If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
