I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
