High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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