she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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