I am puke
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
