life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
