If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
