so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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