i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
