the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
