I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
