Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
