If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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