Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
