There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
