I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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