I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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