She is in my trunk
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
