I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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