I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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