highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
