3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
