i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
