Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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